12.28.17

I approached a trail-head around 3:45 this afternoon. I always manage to start late. It's the length of my caffeine rituals. But I was there. And took off at a good clip. Empty mind. Hitting a good stride three miles in. No idea where this trail goes. Look down on the city from a safe distance. Silence.
Trees and brush. Dirt. Not so much a light wind today. Not so much as a cloud. The blazing blue sky at the end of the year. A t-shirt. Decent shoes.
I thought...hey, I could get three pairs of these for the PCT. I know they haven't got a Hiker's World review and the bottoms collect rocks in untold numbers. But damn they are comfortable.
I've left the forums detailing unending concerns. Bears. Rattlesnakes. Bandits. Heights. Inability to find vegan food. Poor cell phone reception. Perfect pack packing of perfectly balanced foods. It's rarely mentioned that the greatest concern is most likely going to involve walking.
The pack is about 30 lbs right now. That's heavier that it needs to be March 3rd. But it's a good weight to train at. After about 7-8 miles a nerve in my upper back starts to bug but it'll either work itself out or present itself in a way that demands to be solved.
The pack is great. It's my upper back that has always had this nerve thing. I experienced it around Europe many years ago. Just a tug between the shoulder blades and a shooting pain when I lower my head. There's some tightness in this tendon in my right foot. I remember it being an issue at one point. I forget the name of the tendon. And after about 8-9 miles my knees are just a little tender. Not hurting. Not sore...just asking "Ok what exactly are we doing here?"
The idea is to start with shorter distances. Although it's difficult to gauge on some trails. I just have to estimate something like 2-3 mph over so many hours. Good enough. 3-4 miles on Christmas. 6-7 miles down by the bosque. 8-9 miles across the the base of the mountain this morning. Good.
Good to see sunsets. By March 3rd I want to be able to hit 20 miles in one stretch no problem. Right now my legs are like "Hell ya no prob" which is a good sign. Cardio is looking good. Did a lot of summits this summer. Some decent gain and high elevation journeys.
I look out and go "Holy shit. What am I thinking doing this? It's nuts". This is all easy compared to what's ahead. This is heading back to the car at dusk and finishing my coffee and drifting back into town and taking a shower and sitting on the couch and wasting an hour on the internet before I decide to do something else. Maybe finish that gouda in the fridge. Ya. I should do that.
I picture myself bereft and freezing in the high Sierras without the right maps. Forgetting where the water is. Running low on food. Sustaining some ridiculous preventable injury far away from immediate help.
But also...I picture quiet nights next to fires next to pristine lakes next to waterfalls next to forests of pine trees on quiet mountains that pierce the heavens and block the stars beneath full moons. That sort of thing. I expect both. That is...I'm ready for both.
What do I usually expect when I sit down in front of a modular synth? Nothing. That's the point. Production has taught me this thing about letting things happen. The idea of control gives way to the idea of guidance. Just observing some basic tenants and creating from there. I hope that philosophy holds up in rainstorms, lonely nights, and other improv situations.
Yes. I'm still making music. Honestly I never fully stop making music even when I try. I'm writing this while reviewing mixes. There's hundreds of clips and loops and ideas floating around, becoming more and more challenging to keep track of. Relabeled dozens of files last week cuz I realized I'm starting to lose track of what's what. Organization. Another good lesson.
I don't want to write about the other stuff...I just don't feel like it's right anymore.  Hanging in there. Support and love. Sometimes it's the best thing we have. Important not to take it for granted and to give it when you can.